Tangled in Love
With all my little darlings off at school, and my work piled before me at my computer, it is sometimes easy for me to forget what my life was like just a few short years ago. In the throws of young motherhood, I would sometimes find time to jot down a few notes about my life—the good and the bad. I found this entry on my computer journal from January 2005, entitled “Tangled in Love”. At the time I was newly pregnant with baby number 3 and staying at home with my 3 year old and 5 month old. Whether or not you are a stay at home Mom, I think all of us can relate to the crazy, mixed up joy of having young children in the house:
January 2005—“Such a tangle of frenzy mixed with spaces of peace and contentedness. There is no way to describe these days. Just two hours ago I was frantic: the baby was screaming in his high chair, Thomas was whining while I fixed his sticky peanut butter and jelly with honey sandwich, and my stomach was lurching with the sickness that pervades each of my pregnancies. Now, at 2:45 in the afternoon, I find myself enjoying a leisurely hour curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and my book. Just an hour a day to myself is all I really need to recharge.
I am not always so generous about my situation. Just the thought of adding another baby to this chaos is so overwhelming that I sometimes sink to the ground, amidst the piles of dirty laundry and scattered toys. I think about crying, but only laughter escapes. I feel out of control a lot of the time—there is so much to do that it can never be completed. And now this unexpected pregnancy has made it all seem impossible. I had counted down the days to the delivery of my second child. I was waiting until he was old enough so I could start working again. I dreamed of escaping the endless days of laundry, spit-up, arguing with a preschooler, diaper changes, and the ever-dreaded composition of peanut butter and jelly with honey sandwiches. And now I find that I face another round.
But I’m like the boxer who will not give in to the KO. I keep getting up and I keep on gathering up the laundry, and running the dishwasher, and changing the endless diapers and spreading that peanut butter. And in between I sing songs to Thomas and I blow raspberries on Henry’s belly. I try not to let them watch too much television and I make sure Henry has his tummy time. When it’s warm outside we take walks to the park and when it’s cold we make finger paint masterpieces right at the kitchen table. In the end, memories will be the currency with which I am repaid.
And so, it is at this time of the day, with the whole house to myself, that I claim a profound joy in being a mother; This attitude is a far cry from the one I will find myself possessing just 2 short hours from now when both children are screaming and dinner is burning on the stove and the phone is ringing and I realize I forgot to wash the baby bottles again. But the idea is to have just one hour each day—or almost every day—to remember that it I might be tangled up, but I am tangled in LOVE.”
One Response to “Tangled in Love”
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Such a familiar feeling… I remember being so overwhelmed at the time, but now, just 2 years removed from a non-verbal child, it’s a distant memory. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our moments, but I don’t seem to be drowning quite so often now. Thanks for sharing!